Master of Polygamy
by SirIntegrity
Summary: Every single pairing with Alucard is wrong. In this story, Alucard explains to Pip why and what he actually does. AxIxSxWxAAxP


Disclaimer: Don't own anyone. At all. Never have, probably never will.

Pip stood underneath an old oak tree, lowering his cigarette as he exhaled a long line of smoke. His eye was trained past the Hellsing manor gate, watching silhouettes move in the windows. The first act was in Sir Integra's office, nothing on but her desk lamp. She seemed concentrated on something. As sure as death, a tall figure appeared beside her. She pulled away. He followed. She turned away. He cupped a hand under her chin, forcing her to look up at him. They stood like that for a long moment before he released, slowing disappearing into the air.

The second act was in the library. A young lady was curled up in a chair, her styled hair and rather voluptuous frame identifying her shadow. The tall figure appeared behind her, spooking the young lady. She turned around in her seat…then hung her head. A brief conversation followed before the figure disappeared again, Seras slowly sinking into her old position.

The third and final act took place in the foyer, where a sharp-featured man with his hair pulled back cleaned. The tall figure appeared, watching him as he idly leaned against the wall. Walter's movements went from relaxed to tense, going double-time with his chores. After some brief conversation, the tall figure straightened, walking towards Walter. Walter spun around, there was a brief heated conversation and then Walter left.

Pip smirked, taking another drag. Another night of the fascinating soap opera that was the Hellsing Manor.

"A peeping tom even when there's nothing to see? You are quite the voyeurist aren't you, French man?"

Pip tried not to outwardly jump too much, even if he was caught off-guard by Alucard's sudden appearance. He turned slightly towards the vampire, clad in his usual red attire with sunglasses hiding his eyes.

"I was just out for a smoke," he insisted. He motioned towards the mansion with the cigarette, "So, who iz it?"

"Who is what?"

" You know, ze object of your affection, ze apple of your eye, ze subject of your desires," he dropped the cigarette, snuffing it out under his boot, "Zere's a running bet in ze barracks; my vote's personally for ze director, you know, zat classic forbidden fruit piece."

Alucard arched an eyebrow.

"Who?" He repeated quizzically, "As in, just one?"

"…yes…" Pip said slowly. Alucard smirked.

"I thought you and your men were supposed to do research," he purred coyly. Pip shrugged.

"Only on vampires." He said.

Alucard glanced thoughtfully up at the sky, his face contemplative yet smooth as he chewed over the mercenary's question.

"I don't think I've had just one romantic interest in centuries," he mused. Pip tilted his head.

"Oh? Well, I 'ate to break it to you, but I don't zink zey are as polyga-minded as you." Alucard grinned.

"That's why they'll never know."

Pip stared at him and Alucard smirked.

"Exhibit A," he said, inclining his head towards Integra's window, "Known as Eve and the Snake. She may or may not realize it, but she has quite a few unresolved "daddy issues". Coupled with the fact that she had to grow up too fast, and she's ripe for rebellion. As you so bluntly put it, "zat classic forbidden fruit piece"," he mimicked a French accent. Pip grimaced. He was butchering the accent on purpose…

Alucard seemed not to care about Pip's discomfort, grinning to himself. Maybe he was enjoying it, even.

"That's where I come in; the object of her family's scorn, the hated scum of the earth, the Montague to their Capulets, the ultimate bad boy Vlad, _but_ not so untamed as to be perceived as a threat. If I start acting up, she simply switches back to her role as master. It's her safety net, necessary to ease her conscious about dipping her feet into the wade pool of sin."

"Doesn't zat piss you off? Being toyed with like zat? Seems a little like a dog chained to a stake."

"Maybe someone with less patience would find the game tiresome, but I do so love it. She is worth it, you know." He brushed something off of his glove, "I am digressing from your question, though. If anyone else were to know of our cat-and-mouse, it would be a stain on her Protestant knight virtue. A stain she can't afford as a woman. Some might feel the need to take action against our shadow game of Romeo and Juliet. No, we both know how disastrous telling could be, so we keep our dirty little secret to ourselves."

Alucard gestured towards the library.

"There is something that Integra and Seras have in common; different stories, but still under the ever-expansive "daddy issues" umbrella," he rolled his eyes at the category, "Seras sees me as a savior and in her mind, despite it being semantically questionable, I saved her life. Losing her father at a young age and now suddenly having a tenuous father figure who rescued her from the brink of rape and death… It's a powerful, confusing, only slightly odd relationship. She doesn't tell simply because she doesn't know how she feels precisely." He smiled fondly, "You should know, she's the type to romanticize and turn good deeds into the acts of a hero, a hero that will sweep her off her feet and take care of her in this hellish world I brought her in. She's my Disney Princess…probably Cinderella." Pip smirked.

"So you're saying all I 'ave to do is save 'er life and zen I'll 'ave her eating out of ze palm of my 'and? Sounds simple enough," he shrugged. Alucard glared at him.

"Are you proposing to steal my fledgeling away from me…_to my face_?"

A tense moment passed, Pip as stiff as a frozen plank of wood. He expected at any second to be brutally dismembered, bollocks first, and impaled on the nearest fence spike. He really shouldn't've gone there… Alucard was apparently feeling particularly gracious and let the comment slide, pointing to the final act.

"And here we find Rene Gallimard, or Jeremy Irons if you so choose. World War II was an interesting time for the pair of us; we bonded and grew feelings between us. In retrospect I suppose I led him on; he felt betrayed the day he found out my true form is of a man, not an adolescent girl." Pip did a double-take, but Alucard continued on as if it was well known information he switched genders every so often to spice things up, "He's not sure if his feelings make him a homosexual or not, and the stigma surrounding alternative lifestyles hasn't faded enough for him to show me any affection outside of closed doors. It's also a hurdle that he sees himself as "one hundred percent straight", which is utter bullshit. No one is a hundred percent straight; love is color-blind, age-blind, and gender-blind. Am I making you uncomfortable? I thought the French were more open to masculine affection."

Pip stopped his shifting, trying to look casual.

"I'm just not used to 'earing about it, especially from you." Even with the soft features and lack of hair, his combat certainly made him look as heterosexual as they came.

"Walter doesn't like me spreading gossip about his feelings…nor do Police Girl or Master," Alucard sighed, "If you can't handle that, then I certainly can't go into details about the thing on the side with Anderson."

"Anderson? Alexander Anderson? Ze Vatican's number one agent?"

"The same."

"But, but he's ze enemy!" Pip knew he hadn't read through the orientation packet as thoroughly as he should've, but he was preeetty sure he had read, heard, and seen that the Iscariot Agency were the sworn enemy of the Hellsing Organization.

Alucard drifted to a standing position, straightening.

"There is a very thin line between love and hate, or fist-fighting and sex. I'm still working on him." He started to walk off, "Well, now you know my secrets. Don't run around telling them on me, alright?"

"Course not."

"Good boy," he glanced back, leering at him, "I think I'll call you…"Notes on a Scandal"."

It took Pip a few precious seconds to realize what Alucard meant, and by then the nosferatu had vanished. Pip's face drained of color, and he felt sick to his stomach. He always imagined joining a harem to be sexy and wonderful…then again he had envisioned the harem to be all-female, and he to be the one pulling the strings.

He really didn't want to be Alucard's new toy.

**End**

Lawl. After the incident with a certain troll on the Fanfiction website, I started thinking about pairings with Alucard more seriously. Then I remembered "Dracula" the novel, and started to wonder why Alucard would settle for one when he could easily have all the bitches. Thus, this was born.

Somewhere, Alucard's making a trollface at the very notion of monogamous shippings and him.


End file.
